[RL with Haruhi - Damage Control Part 1]

[lockon2urheart]

[As soon as the Doctor had told him about Haruhi's exploits at the wedding, Lockon had resolved to track her down. They clearly needed to talk, and she hadn't been to see him this whole time - well, he could walk unaided for short periods, now. He was going to go to her, if she wouldn't come to him.

The Doctor had said she was in the TARDIS, which wasn't even technically off hospital grounds. Now he was off the IV he had nothing stopping him from making the short trip to the blue box. Although he wouldn't win any races, he reached it without incident and knocked a few times on the door. He didn't shout. She might not have answered, if she was avoiding him.]

Comments

[lockon2urheart]

[Oh hell, she looks bad. And her heart-rending expression doesn't help. He can't stop his concerned frown, but he doesn't move forwards towards her. He keeps his body language as loose and nonthreatening as possible. From what the Doctor told him...he knew he had a lot of making up to do, and it wasn't going to be easy, and this is making that clear - but he's not going to back down, either.]

[His voice is back to normal, at least.] I had some stuff I needed to say. In person.

[godisagirl.livejournal.com]

[still backing away]

I never said I wanted to see you! I don't care what you have to say!

[lockon2urheart]

[Still not moving forward, no matter how much he wants to. He owes her comfortable distance, at least, if that's what she wants right now.]

You can be angry with me. I don't blame you. Just...hear me out.

[godisagirl.livejournal.com]

You can't tell me what to do, not after you what you did! [tears are starting to drip down her face]

[lockon2urheart]

I won't make you. I know I don't have the right. I'm just asking you to listen to me, Haruhi, please.

[godisagirl.livejournal.com]

No! You betrayed me! I don't want to listen to you!

[moves her hands to cover her ears]

[lockon2urheart]

[Damnit, so much for staying back - he really can't stop himself from stepping forward towards her, but he catches himself and looks at her with a pained expression.]

I'm going to apologise whether you want to hear me or not. I owe you that much.

[godisagirl.livejournal.com]

[doesn't seem to be hearing him at all and is moving into an hysterical fit]

Why did you have to come back?! Why did you have to say those things?! I was getting to be okay with you being gone! I was dealing with it!

[lockon2urheart]

[The hysteria has his concern move into full-blown worry, and before he can really think it might be a bad idea he's moved closer. What she's saying hurts, but he can hope that it's being said in a fit of passion and that she didn't mean it, and at any rate he can deal with that when she's calmed down. He reaches out and touches her arm.]

I know that I owe being back at all to you and the Doctor. You're why I can be standing here right now, Haruhi, and believe me, I'm grateful. That's why I'm trying to apologise for what I said.

[godisagirl.livejournal.com]

[pulls away from his touch, biting her lip, she hates showing this much emotion, to him, to anyone. She turns on her heel and goes into her room, quickly closing the door and locking it, slumping down again against the frame as she tries to regain control]

[lockon2urheart]

Haruhi-- [Damn, damn, damn. He follows her, but on his weak legs he's not nearly fast enough to catch up and ends up facing a locked door. He sighs. This was what he'd been afraid of, having to have this conversation through a door - not having the conversation at all hadnt even entered his mind. He was probably lucky it wasn't the TARDIS doors he was staring at.]

If you want me to go away and never darken your doorway again, Haruhi, I will. But not until I've said what I came here to say. Not just that I'm sorry, that's not all I'm here for.

[godisagirl.livejournal.com]

[bites her thumb, trying to fight for control over her body and emotions. No matter how much they were trying to make her break down, she wasn't going to let them.]

What then? What more could you ever say to me?

[lockon2urheart]

[states at the door for a long moment.]

I know you're not her. Amy, I mean. You never have been a replacement for her, to me, and you never will be. And I wouldnt want you to be, either. You remind me of her, sometimes - but you're different, really different, and that's why I like you. When I - in the TARDIS, I was totally out of it, Haruhi. Hell - if I'd seen the Doctor I'd probably have thought he was my dad, that's how far gone I was. Anything I said then - under normal circumstances, I could never confuse you two like that. Ever.

[godisagirl.livejournal.com]

[it makes sense in her head, even if her heart is still torn up. She knew she wasn't a replacement but the fear, the fear had been there and taken over.]

...You still chose her over me, you wanted to avenge her over being with me.

[lockon2urheart]

[He...didn't really have an easy answer to that. It was true, in a way, although it hadn't been a concious choice. He turned and leant slowly on the door himself, hesitating before talking over his shoulder.]

The people who attacked your papa. You remember them, don't you? Do you hate them, still?

[godisagirl.livejournal.com]

[wraps her arms around her knees]

I do, I do hate them.

[lockon2urheart]

If you found them again, if they were just as bad as you remembered...if you knew that they would easily do exactly the same thing again to someone else's papa any time the situation came up...even if it meant leaving him behind, wouldn't you want to do everything you could to stop them?

[godisagirl.livejournal.com]

[is silent for a long while, grabbing a pillow and holding it to her chest]

...No. Because if I lost him, lost the people who matter, I'd have nothing to fight for anymore.

[lockon2urheart]

But if you didn't stop those people, then they'd just carry on hurting others. They'd never regret what they did and they'd never be punished, and the people you care about would remain in danger from them. Isn't protecting them worth it, even if it might hurt them at first?

[godisagirl.livejournal.com]

You just ended up hurting people too. You didn't help any of us.

[lockon2urheart]

[He looks down, and sighs.]

Yeah. I guess you're a smarter person than me. I didn't really think it through, did I?

[godisagirl.livejournal.com]

No, you were an idiot.

[her voice cracks slightly on the last word]

[lockon2urheart]

[He almost smiles, although the tiny half-smile is rueful and humourless] A huge one. Really wasn't one of my better ideas.

[He sighs again.] I'm sorry for hurting you, Haruhi. [He doesn't specify if it's the suicide mission or the TARDIS aftermath he's apologising for, mostly because it's both.] it wasn't ever my intention to hurt any of you.

[godisagirl.livejournal.com]

...That doesn't make the hurt go away. Not at all.

[bites her lip, this was upsetting, didn't apologzing make everything better? Isn't that why people apologized?]

[lockon2urheart]

[He sighs, and lets himself slide down to sit on the floor, still leaning back against the door.]

I know sorry's not a magic word that wipes what I did away, and stop you hurting. You don't have to forgive me just because I apologised, and I'll understand if you don't. I just needed to tell you. I just couldn't let you go without an explanation, you deserve that much.