[RL with Haruhi - Damage Control Part 1]

[lockon2urheart]

[As soon as the Doctor had told him about Haruhi's exploits at the wedding, Lockon had resolved to track her down. They clearly needed to talk, and she hadn't been to see him this whole time - well, he could walk unaided for short periods, now. He was going to go to her, if she wouldn't come to him.

The Doctor had said she was in the TARDIS, which wasn't even technically off hospital grounds. Now he was off the IV he had nothing stopping him from making the short trip to the blue box. Although he wouldn't win any races, he reached it without incident and knocked a few times on the door. He didn't shout. She might not have answered, if she was avoiding him.]

Comments

[lockon2urheart]

[The hysteria has his concern move into full-blown worry, and before he can really think it might be a bad idea he's moved closer. What she's saying hurts, but he can hope that it's being said in a fit of passion and that she didn't mean it, and at any rate he can deal with that when she's calmed down. He reaches out and touches her arm.]

I know that I owe being back at all to you and the Doctor. You're why I can be standing here right now, Haruhi, and believe me, I'm grateful. That's why I'm trying to apologise for what I said.

[godisagirl.livejournal.com]

[pulls away from his touch, biting her lip, she hates showing this much emotion, to him, to anyone. She turns on her heel and goes into her room, quickly closing the door and locking it, slumping down again against the frame as she tries to regain control]

[lockon2urheart]

Haruhi-- [Damn, damn, damn. He follows her, but on his weak legs he's not nearly fast enough to catch up and ends up facing a locked door. He sighs. This was what he'd been afraid of, having to have this conversation through a door - not having the conversation at all hadnt even entered his mind. He was probably lucky it wasn't the TARDIS doors he was staring at.]

If you want me to go away and never darken your doorway again, Haruhi, I will. But not until I've said what I came here to say. Not just that I'm sorry, that's not all I'm here for.

[godisagirl.livejournal.com]

[bites her thumb, trying to fight for control over her body and emotions. No matter how much they were trying to make her break down, she wasn't going to let them.]

What then? What more could you ever say to me?

[lockon2urheart]

[states at the door for a long moment.]

I know you're not her. Amy, I mean. You never have been a replacement for her, to me, and you never will be. And I wouldnt want you to be, either. You remind me of her, sometimes - but you're different, really different, and that's why I like you. When I - in the TARDIS, I was totally out of it, Haruhi. Hell - if I'd seen the Doctor I'd probably have thought he was my dad, that's how far gone I was. Anything I said then - under normal circumstances, I could never confuse you two like that. Ever.

[godisagirl.livejournal.com]

[it makes sense in her head, even if her heart is still torn up. She knew she wasn't a replacement but the fear, the fear had been there and taken over.]

...You still chose her over me, you wanted to avenge her over being with me.

[lockon2urheart]

[He...didn't really have an easy answer to that. It was true, in a way, although it hadn't been a concious choice. He turned and leant slowly on the door himself, hesitating before talking over his shoulder.]

The people who attacked your papa. You remember them, don't you? Do you hate them, still?

[godisagirl.livejournal.com]

[wraps her arms around her knees]

I do, I do hate them.

[lockon2urheart]

If you found them again, if they were just as bad as you remembered...if you knew that they would easily do exactly the same thing again to someone else's papa any time the situation came up...even if it meant leaving him behind, wouldn't you want to do everything you could to stop them?

[godisagirl.livejournal.com]

[is silent for a long while, grabbing a pillow and holding it to her chest]

...No. Because if I lost him, lost the people who matter, I'd have nothing to fight for anymore.

[lockon2urheart]

But if you didn't stop those people, then they'd just carry on hurting others. They'd never regret what they did and they'd never be punished, and the people you care about would remain in danger from them. Isn't protecting them worth it, even if it might hurt them at first?

[godisagirl.livejournal.com]

You just ended up hurting people too. You didn't help any of us.

[lockon2urheart]

[He looks down, and sighs.]

Yeah. I guess you're a smarter person than me. I didn't really think it through, did I?

[godisagirl.livejournal.com]

No, you were an idiot.

[her voice cracks slightly on the last word]

[lockon2urheart]

[He almost smiles, although the tiny half-smile is rueful and humourless] A huge one. Really wasn't one of my better ideas.

[He sighs again.] I'm sorry for hurting you, Haruhi. [He doesn't specify if it's the suicide mission or the TARDIS aftermath he's apologising for, mostly because it's both.] it wasn't ever my intention to hurt any of you.

[godisagirl.livejournal.com]

...That doesn't make the hurt go away. Not at all.

[bites her lip, this was upsetting, didn't apologzing make everything better? Isn't that why people apologized?]

[lockon2urheart]

[He sighs, and lets himself slide down to sit on the floor, still leaning back against the door.]

I know sorry's not a magic word that wipes what I did away, and stop you hurting. You don't have to forgive me just because I apologised, and I'll understand if you don't. I just needed to tell you. I just couldn't let you go without an explanation, you deserve that much.

[godisagirl.livejournal.com]

[bites her lip harder and then reaches up and slowly pulls the door open, opening it into her room. She hasn't decided if she'll forgive him, but she wants to see him at least]

[lockon2urheart]

[On feeling the door move behind him, Lockon rolls to his feet again (albeit slower and less gracefully than normal), glad of this progress. He takes a tentative step into the room and sees her, before going to hunker down next to her. Doesn't say anything, letting her decide on this.

[godisagirl.livejournal.com]

[slowly reaches up to touch his face, as though making sure he's actually there. And then, still biting her lip, wraps her arms around him and buries her face in neck. He still has the same smoothing smell he had before, the same warmth]

[lockon2urheart]

[Returning the hug, gratefully. He stays silent, unwilling to break this fragile bridge, holding her tightly.]

[godisagirl.livejournal.com]

[sniffles and grips him a little tighter, trying to fight the tears. She's trembling but keeps herself pressed against him]

I hate how I missed you so much.

[lockon2urheart]

[Strokes the back of her hair gently with one hand, and holds her close with the other.]

[There's the barest hint of hesitation in his voice - the memory of her earlier harsh words is still vivid.] It's normal, though. To miss someone you care about. There's no shame in it. I'm just...sorry I made you feel like that.

[godisagirl.livejournal.com]

[the memory of those feelings is starting to make her feel ill once more and the fact that she's still hungover doesn't help. She curls up in his arms, wrapping her arms around herself]

I don't care if it's normal, I still hate it. It felt like...a hole had been ripped through me.

[lockon2urheart]

[tightens his hold a little momentarily. Between Haruhi and Feldt, he's really starting to feel like a right bastard, no matter how strong his conviction that killing Ali had been the right thing to do had been at the time, and still was now.]

...I know. [The barest of pauses.] I'm here now. And I don't plan on going anywhere for a long time, if I can help it.