[RL with Haruhi - Damage Control Part 1]

[lockon2urheart]

[As soon as the Doctor had told him about Haruhi's exploits at the wedding, Lockon had resolved to track her down. They clearly needed to talk, and she hadn't been to see him this whole time - well, he could walk unaided for short periods, now. He was going to go to her, if she wouldn't come to him.

The Doctor had said she was in the TARDIS, which wasn't even technically off hospital grounds. Now he was off the IV he had nothing stopping him from making the short trip to the blue box. Although he wouldn't win any races, he reached it without incident and knocked a few times on the door. He didn't shout. She might not have answered, if she was avoiding him.]

Comments

[lockon2urheart]

If you found them again, if they were just as bad as you remembered...if you knew that they would easily do exactly the same thing again to someone else's papa any time the situation came up...even if it meant leaving him behind, wouldn't you want to do everything you could to stop them?

[godisagirl.livejournal.com]

[is silent for a long while, grabbing a pillow and holding it to her chest]

...No. Because if I lost him, lost the people who matter, I'd have nothing to fight for anymore.

[lockon2urheart]

But if you didn't stop those people, then they'd just carry on hurting others. They'd never regret what they did and they'd never be punished, and the people you care about would remain in danger from them. Isn't protecting them worth it, even if it might hurt them at first?

[godisagirl.livejournal.com]

You just ended up hurting people too. You didn't help any of us.

[lockon2urheart]

[He looks down, and sighs.]

Yeah. I guess you're a smarter person than me. I didn't really think it through, did I?

[godisagirl.livejournal.com]

No, you were an idiot.

[her voice cracks slightly on the last word]

[lockon2urheart]

[He almost smiles, although the tiny half-smile is rueful and humourless] A huge one. Really wasn't one of my better ideas.

[He sighs again.] I'm sorry for hurting you, Haruhi. [He doesn't specify if it's the suicide mission or the TARDIS aftermath he's apologising for, mostly because it's both.] it wasn't ever my intention to hurt any of you.

[godisagirl.livejournal.com]

...That doesn't make the hurt go away. Not at all.

[bites her lip, this was upsetting, didn't apologzing make everything better? Isn't that why people apologized?]

[lockon2urheart]

[He sighs, and lets himself slide down to sit on the floor, still leaning back against the door.]

I know sorry's not a magic word that wipes what I did away, and stop you hurting. You don't have to forgive me just because I apologised, and I'll understand if you don't. I just needed to tell you. I just couldn't let you go without an explanation, you deserve that much.

[godisagirl.livejournal.com]

[bites her lip harder and then reaches up and slowly pulls the door open, opening it into her room. She hasn't decided if she'll forgive him, but she wants to see him at least]

[lockon2urheart]

[On feeling the door move behind him, Lockon rolls to his feet again (albeit slower and less gracefully than normal), glad of this progress. He takes a tentative step into the room and sees her, before going to hunker down next to her. Doesn't say anything, letting her decide on this.

[godisagirl.livejournal.com]

[slowly reaches up to touch his face, as though making sure he's actually there. And then, still biting her lip, wraps her arms around him and buries her face in neck. He still has the same smoothing smell he had before, the same warmth]

[lockon2urheart]

[Returning the hug, gratefully. He stays silent, unwilling to break this fragile bridge, holding her tightly.]

[godisagirl.livejournal.com]

[sniffles and grips him a little tighter, trying to fight the tears. She's trembling but keeps herself pressed against him]

I hate how I missed you so much.

[lockon2urheart]

[Strokes the back of her hair gently with one hand, and holds her close with the other.]

[There's the barest hint of hesitation in his voice - the memory of her earlier harsh words is still vivid.] It's normal, though. To miss someone you care about. There's no shame in it. I'm just...sorry I made you feel like that.

[godisagirl.livejournal.com]

[the memory of those feelings is starting to make her feel ill once more and the fact that she's still hungover doesn't help. She curls up in his arms, wrapping her arms around herself]

I don't care if it's normal, I still hate it. It felt like...a hole had been ripped through me.

[lockon2urheart]

[tightens his hold a little momentarily. Between Haruhi and Feldt, he's really starting to feel like a right bastard, no matter how strong his conviction that killing Ali had been the right thing to do had been at the time, and still was now.]

...I know. [The barest of pauses.] I'm here now. And I don't plan on going anywhere for a long time, if I can help it.

[godisagirl.livejournal.com]

[grips her stomach tighter and curls up, moving her head towards her knees]

How can I believe you? You already broke your first promise to me.

[lockon2urheart]

[closes his eyes, and bows his head.]

Yeah. I did, didn't I. [lets out a pained sigh, and opens his eyes.]

I'm sorry, Haruhi. I really am. For everything.

[godisagirl.livejournal.com]

[her breath hitches and she trembles even harder]

You said to trust people, you said. And then I did and then you...

[breaks off to focus on stopping herself from crying]

[lockon2urheart]

[winces and hugs her tighter, stroking her arm with his thumb, trying to calm her down.]

I'm an idiot, I know. A stupid guy who didn't really think what he did through. I didn't mean...I didn't want to make you feel like this, ever. I just...

[sighs again, and loosens his hold slightly.] If you want me to go, I'll understand.

[godisagirl.livejournal.com]

[nods and pulls herself out of his grip, standing up on weak legs]

I want you go to go.

[her entire body is shaking still.]

[lockon2urheart]

[He'd been half-expecting it, so he didn't let his emotions show on his face. He just nodded, and stood up as well.]

Alright then.

[hesitates, then reaches out to pat her shoulder.]

I'm glad I got to know you, Haruhi. You're a good kid.

[steps back, towards the door, and smiles. Then he turns, and starts to leave. He won't hang around if she doesn't want him here.]

[godisagirl.livejournal.com]

[She's not a good kid, she's not. A good kid would have been strong been able to handle it all. And she can't contain it anymore and so she just emits a heart wrenching scream. Everything she's been feeling comes out; all the fear, the anger, the hurt, the disapointment, the failure, the shame. She screams until there's nothing left in her and she collapses to her knees, fighting for breath.]

[lockon2urheart]

[looks back sharply at the scream, and turns around in shock - then runs back to her when she collapses. Even if she wanted him gone, he couldn't have just left her like that - he kneels down and hugs her, rubbing her back to try and calm her down, murmuring little calming things like it's okay quietly.]