[RL with Haruhi - Damage Control Part 1]

[lockon2urheart]

[As soon as the Doctor had told him about Haruhi's exploits at the wedding, Lockon had resolved to track her down. They clearly needed to talk, and she hadn't been to see him this whole time - well, he could walk unaided for short periods, now. He was going to go to her, if she wouldn't come to him.

The Doctor had said she was in the TARDIS, which wasn't even technically off hospital grounds. Now he was off the IV he had nothing stopping him from making the short trip to the blue box. Although he wouldn't win any races, he reached it without incident and knocked a few times on the door. He didn't shout. She might not have answered, if she was avoiding him.]

Comments

[lockon2urheart]

[tightens his hold a little momentarily. Between Haruhi and Feldt, he's really starting to feel like a right bastard, no matter how strong his conviction that killing Ali had been the right thing to do had been at the time, and still was now.]

...I know. [The barest of pauses.] I'm here now. And I don't plan on going anywhere for a long time, if I can help it.

[godisagirl.livejournal.com]

[grips her stomach tighter and curls up, moving her head towards her knees]

How can I believe you? You already broke your first promise to me.

[lockon2urheart]

[closes his eyes, and bows his head.]

Yeah. I did, didn't I. [lets out a pained sigh, and opens his eyes.]

I'm sorry, Haruhi. I really am. For everything.

[godisagirl.livejournal.com]

[her breath hitches and she trembles even harder]

You said to trust people, you said. And then I did and then you...

[breaks off to focus on stopping herself from crying]

[lockon2urheart]

[winces and hugs her tighter, stroking her arm with his thumb, trying to calm her down.]

I'm an idiot, I know. A stupid guy who didn't really think what he did through. I didn't mean...I didn't want to make you feel like this, ever. I just...

[sighs again, and loosens his hold slightly.] If you want me to go, I'll understand.

[godisagirl.livejournal.com]

[nods and pulls herself out of his grip, standing up on weak legs]

I want you go to go.

[her entire body is shaking still.]

[lockon2urheart]

[He'd been half-expecting it, so he didn't let his emotions show on his face. He just nodded, and stood up as well.]

Alright then.

[hesitates, then reaches out to pat her shoulder.]

I'm glad I got to know you, Haruhi. You're a good kid.

[steps back, towards the door, and smiles. Then he turns, and starts to leave. He won't hang around if she doesn't want him here.]

[godisagirl.livejournal.com]

[She's not a good kid, she's not. A good kid would have been strong been able to handle it all. And she can't contain it anymore and so she just emits a heart wrenching scream. Everything she's been feeling comes out; all the fear, the anger, the hurt, the disapointment, the failure, the shame. She screams until there's nothing left in her and she collapses to her knees, fighting for breath.]

[lockon2urheart]

[looks back sharply at the scream, and turns around in shock - then runs back to her when she collapses. Even if she wanted him gone, he couldn't have just left her like that - he kneels down and hugs her, rubbing her back to try and calm her down, murmuring little calming things like it's okay quietly.]

[godisagirl.livejournal.com]

[is on the verge of passing out due to airloss because her breath is still hitching like she's sobbing.]

N-not okay.

[Tears start to come to her eyes which frustrates her further and she moves to cover her face]

Can't...can't cry.

[lockon2urheart]

[Pulls away enough to look her in the face, worry etched in his expression. There's urgency in his low tone, but he's trying to talk as gently and calmly as he can.]

Deep breaths, Haruhi, come on. You need to breathe. It's okay, it's okay to cry, but not if you're going to collapse from lack of air, come on. Deep breaths. [he watches her with concern.]

[godisagirl.livejournal.com]

[shakes her head and continues the shallow breathing, trying to stop the tears by weakly pressing her hands against her eyes]

C-can't cry, c-can't be weak. Not p-pitied.

[lockon2urheart]

[takes hold of her wrists, gently, and pulls her hands away to look her in the eyes.]

It's just me here, Haruhi, and I won't think you're weak no matter how much you cry, but you're going to faint if you don't take some deep breaths. Come on, breathe for me. Please.

[godisagirl.livejournal.com]

[shakes her head furiously]

N-no, I w-won't won't be w-weak for anyone. Can't.

[lockon2urheart]

There's nothing weak about-

[stops, that tactic obviously isn't helping, it's getting her more worked up. He continues, quietly.]

The only way you'll look weak at all is if you let yourself get so worked up that you pass out. Take some deep breaths and get ahold of yourself, Haruhi, you're stronger than this.

[godisagirl.livejournal.com]

[finally just gives in, her breathing becoming shallower and shallower]

I am weak. Goddamn it, I am.

[lockon2urheart]

If you keep telling yourself that then it'll start to be true. And it's not, you're not weak, having emotions isn't a sign of weakness.

[Damn damn damn this isn't good. He's keeping his tone calm, but his urgency is showing through as well. The last thing he wants is for her to pass out right in front of him. He hugs her again, holding her close to his chest, keeping his own breathing slow and steady, hoping that'll do something to calm her as well.]

It's okay, Haruhi. Just keep it calm. Everything's gonna be okay.

[godisagirl.livejournal.com]

Emotions are-

[she can't fight him at this point and her vision is starting to blur as her
body goes limp against her will. She leans against his chest because she can't pull away and leans againt his chest, listening to his breathing, on the verge of passing out]

[lockon2urheart]

Doesn't matter. It's okay. Just breathe, Haruhi, focus on that. Match mine, okay?

[Not panicking, using all his self-control to keep his breathing and heart rate as calm and steady as he can. Same with his voice, talking calmly and quietly.] Deep breaths. Nice and relaxed. Just deep breaths.

[godisagirl.livejournal.com]

[mumbles back]

Just breathe.

[starts trying to match his breathing like he says, one small shaking hand coming to grip his shirt]

[lockon2urheart]

[relieved, really relieved, that she's finally responding positively.]

That's it.

[Keeping the slow, steady pattern up, he moves one hand to cover hers.]

[godisagirl.livejournal.com]

[keeps quiet as she leans against his chest, she feels dizzy and sick and is still rather close to passing out. She tries to talk but everything feels so heavy that all she can do is lean against him]

[lockon2urheart]

Shhh. It's okay, don't try to say anything. Just concentrate on getting some air in your lungs, okay? We can talk in a minute. I'll still be here.

[godisagirl.livejournal.com]

[his voice is starting to get far away as her vision goes dark. And she's out, but without her concious mind taking over, her body is able to start her breathing right again]

[lockon2urheart]

[She's too close to his body for him not to notice her faint.]

Haruhi?

[He looks down at her, worriedly, and she's out like a light, but...she's breathing normally, at least. That much is good. But now what...?

He looks up and around the room. Her bedroom, by the looks of things. The answer was very simple, then. He gathers her up in his arms, carefully, and carries her over to the bed before gently lying her down on it. He follows, sitting down on the edge of the bed and stroking her hair with one hand while he works out what he should do. Stay and wait for her to wake up, or go like she'd told him to before?

He lets out a little tired sigh, and moves his hand away. It's been an emotionally draining visit, for both of them. She might have told him to go, but she might well never forgive him if he was gone when she woke up. The worst she could do if he stuck around was tell him to leave again.

And so, he stays where he is, using the time to think over the conversation they'd had.]