[RL with Tieria - Damage Control Part 2 - futuredated to next week]

[lockon2urheart]

[It had been about a month since Lockon had first woken up, and he figured it was finally time to visit the last of his three comrades. It had surely been enough time for Tieria to stabilise - he'd been warned away from shocking him a while ago, after all - and he couldn't in good conscience leave him in the dark any more.

Hence why he was standing in the reception of Mikaela's school, asking if they could send for Ila van der Aart (Who'd come up with that name, anyway?) as soon as possible. He wasn't worried about interrupting her education, as the receptionist had frowned at him, and he gave her a sheepish grin and told her some things were important.

Then she'd asked for his name, so she'd know who was pulling her out, and he'd only hesitated for a moment. As he said "Lockon Stratos", he'd hoped that it wouldn't shock Tieria too badly before he'd even had a chance to see him, but it was all-too clear that 'a friend' wouldn't pass muster with the receptionist. She'd nodded at an office runner to go fetch Ila, while Lockon waited.

Said runner knocked on the classroom door once, then opened it.]

Sorry to interrupt, Mr Pemberly, but I've got a message for Ila. There's a visitor in reception for her, someone called Lockon Stratos, and she's to come see him as soon as possible. It's apparently important.

Comments

[nonesodangerous.livejournal.com]

[...at which point, Tieria broke into a run. He still felt a little shaky on his legs, as although Nena has "fixed" them, he'd hardly used them for over a month. But this was something- no, someone that couldn't wait. He ran all the way, taking steps three at a time, and nearly falling several times.

As he approached reception, he slowed down, attempting to maintain the facade of complete composure.]

[earthoftheearth.livejournal.com]

[Ila walked in, staring at the floor, the walls, straight at the receptionist, anything to avoid glancing at another person that may or may not be the one she'd been called to see.]

Um, hi. You sent someone to get me?

[lockon2urheart]

[Lockon looked up at the entry of the girl, and back down when he saw that it wasn't - wait. He looked back. That was more than a passing resemblance to Tieria, which meant this was Ila. Which meant that - and his eyes widened further when 'she' spoke - holy shit, Tieria was a good actor.

He blinked, and shook himself mentally. Get a grip, Neil, or you'll blow his whole cover. But even if the Doctor had warned him that the 'Ila' persons was a girl, it hadn't been enough to fully negate the shock of the real thing. Luckily, the receptionist was distracted by Ila's entry and didn't see his reaction.

"Ah, there you are, Ila. Someone here for you," she said, indicating Lockon with her pen. "You can have the rest of the afternoon, since it's important -" and her cutting glance at Lockon said clearly that it better had be "-but you'll still be expected tomorrow on the dot."]

[nonesodangerous.livejournal.com]

[At this moment, Tieria wanted nothing more than to turn around and see that it was really, truly Lockon Stratos standing there waiting for him. But at the same time, he had the feeling that he wouldn't be able to control himself if that was the case. The last thing he wanted to do was cause a scene.

He would just have to leave reception by the other doors, the ones that led outside. Lockon would have enough sense to follow him, and it was far better to... well, do whatever he was going to do outside, where hopefully nobody would notice. Everyone was in class at the moment, right?

As Tieria turned to leave, forcing himself not to look at where Lockon was supposedly standing, he couldn't help but remember something. He had always been curious about the gods on the community, and had spent numerous sleepless nights reading about their various myths and legends. Now, one in particular bobbed to the top of his memory - Orpheus and Eurydice, wasn't it?]

[earthoftheearth.livejournal.com]

Come on, then.

[Ila walked away, heading for the front doors. She didn't look back even once, although a couple of times her head hung peculiarly to the side, like she was trying to stop herself.]

[lockon2urheart]

[While the distinct lack of looking at him at all was a little eerie, he recognised a self-control mechanism when he saw it. Of course Tieria wouldn't want to react to his presence while the receptionist was around, and not seeing him probably made that easier. Which also probably didn't bode well for Tieria's eventual reaction, when it came - Lockon still wasn't sure whether to expect to be yelled at, cried on, punched, or some combination of the three. Whatever it was, out of earshot was indeed best.]

Right. [He followed Tieria outside. And now that the initial shock of seeing Tieria's feminine disguise had worn off a little, he was starting to see the funny side despite his best efforts not to. Wasn't fair to laugh at a perfectly good disguise, wasn't fair to laugh at a perfectly good disguise, especially not at such a serious time. Priorities.]

[nonesodangerous.livejournal.com]

[He had to suppress a shudder at hearing that single word, but Tieria maintained his composure until he was safely away from the school building.]

Lockon... Stratos?

[Turning slowly, looking at the ground until the last second, Tieria fought several urges. The urge to run away, to be sick, to collapse, to hide his face in his hands and drop to his knees and rock until the shaking would stop - all of them threatened to overwhelm him.

But he managed. He managed to force himself to do none of these things, and to look Lockon in the eye.]

Lockon?

[lockon2urheart]

[Watching Tieria - in a skirt. Tieria in skirt, the thought just didn't compute - didn't help him not laugh. Part of it might have been slight nervousness heightening the humour, but he still stopped himself from laughing. He couldn't help grinning as they moved, though.

And then they came to a stop, and at the sight of Tieria's face, his expression, the urge to laugh died away. Lockon's grin faded, leaving a small lopsided smile.]

Tieria.

[nonesodangerous.livejournal.com]

[Tieria stumbled forward a couple of steps, reaching out to touch Lockon, to make sure he was real.]

You died. You're dead!

[He clutched at his arm, unable to hold back the tears any longer.]

I saw you! When I was--!

[A choked sob escaped, as Tieria pulled at Lockon's shirt.]

I wanted you to live, so it can't have been me, I wouldn't have wanted you to be...

...to be...

[He buried his face in the cloth.]

...to be waiting for me.

[lockon2urheart]

[Putting his arms around Tieria seemed like the natural thing to do, the best way Lockon had of offering comfort, and so he hugged the younger man, holding him close and letting him cry on Lockon's shirt as he tried to work out what Tieria meant by that.

And then it clicked. And Lockon's stomach felt full of lead. Poor Tieria, it must have been really bad up there, and Lockon's...well, it was his death as far as they knew...must have been preying on his mind, for him to hallucinate like that. He looked down at the crying man in his arms and rubbed his shoulder, comfortingly.]

It's kind of the other way around. You're waiting for me here when I woke up, instead. I don't know what you saw, Tieria, but I'm not dead. I'm right here.

[nonesodangerous.livejournal.com]

[He pulled away from Lockon's embrace, and staggered backwards, staring at him with something bordering on fury.]

I wasn't waiting for you here! I wanted you to live, but I knew you weren't coming back! I KNEW!

[Tieria's voice sounded shriller and shriller, making him look like somebody on the edge of full-blown hysteria.]

I wasn't waiting for you to come back, I was waiting to die! But I don't even get that luxury, because I'm--

[He broke off, suddenly mindful of what he was about to be screaming. Pulling at his long hair, he turned around, voice painfully quiet.]

How long have you been awake?

[lockon2urheart]

[Oh god, wrong thing to say, wrong thing to say. That flippant remark was going to cost him, judging by Tieria's expression. He raised his hands slightly in automatic defense from Tieria's rage, but didn't dare interrupt. He just listened, growing more concerned the shriller and more hysterical Tieria became.

The sentence about waiting for death, of death as a luxury, was the straw that broke the camel's back, and he started to speak - to say what, he wasn't entirely sure, but he had to say something - but Tieria turned before he got the words out and the next question stopped him in his tracks. This could be very, very bad, even if he had a good reason.]

...A month, give or take. [And then he added quickly:] But before you say anything, it's not through trying to avoid you, or not wanting to see you or anything like that - I just had to get enough strength back so I wouldn't fall over or pass out during the meetup, and heard you weren't..really in a fit state for any shocks at the time, so I wanted to let you recover before I just showed up.

[nonesodangerous.livejournal.com]

[A month. That was an awfully long time to be kept in the dark, especially about something like this. Tieria wouldn't have minded if Lockon had only been able to talk to him for a few short minutes. And what did he mean, that Tieria wasn't "really in a fit state for any shocks"?

A whole month of not knowing the truth.]

Oh.

[lockon2urheart]

[That was somehow worse than the anger. The reasoning that had seemed so sound now looked flimsy and unconvincing. Lockon wondered if he was right to wait so long; maybe the Doctor had been wrong and Tieria could have handled it, however delicate his mental state had supposedly been...

...well, he couldn't do anything about it now. He'd have to face the consequences of his decision.]

...I'm sorry. It seemed like the best way, at the time. I just didn't want to hurt you any more than I already had.

[nonesodangerous.livejournal.com]

[Tieria stood with his back to Lockon, hiding everything behind a cold wall of silence. The last few months had been too draining. One blow after another had started to erode something inside of him, leaving him with growing feeling that he was ultimately helpless.

Of course, he still had the strength, the will to plan ahead. To come up with one scheme after another to protect himself, his world, and everyone that was important. To work out what would be the next great steps - peace on another world? Peace between the worlds? Peace throughout all of them?

But every time that something like this happened, the strength ebbed away a little more. And this was possibly the hardest ordeal so far: coming to terms with the fact that if he had died, if he had gone to that other place like he had wished with all his heart, then he would have been further away from Lockon than ever.]

[lockon2urheart]

[The answering silence that stretched out as Lockon as he watched Tieria's back made him feel all the more guilty. He'd fucked up again while trying to do the right thing, and he'd just made it worse for Tieria. His intention hadn't been to leave him out of the loop, just to protect him, but it clearly had just had the opposite effect.

And he'd far rather let Tieria bitch him out, or hit him, or whatever he needed to do - rather that than this empty quiet.]

Come on, Tieria, say something.

[nonesodangerous.livejournal.com]

[Something? Anything? He let the first thing that came to mind spill from his mouth.]

We needed you.

[And barely audibly:]

I needed you.

[lockon2urheart]

[He closed his eyes for a moment. When he opened them, he looked away.]

I...heard about what happened. I'm sorry. I shouldve been there, believe me I wish I had. I just.... [He trailed off. He wasn't stupid enough to try and defend his actions to Tieria, of all people. He knew who'd been behind the locking of his door. There was no point, and he didn't really want to try. He knew that he'd been reckless and stupid and that he shouldn't have gone. It hadn't stopped him then, and part of him still believed that right or wrong it had been the only choice, but he couldn't logically defend it even to himself.]

...just. I'm sorry.

[nonesodangerous.livejournal.com]

[Tieria turned, the look of broken disappointment plain on his face.]

Are you honestly saying that in the same situation, Lockon Stratos, you would not repeat your actions? Are you telling me that if Ali Al-Saachez called you out to fight once more, you'd ignore him?

[He couldn't bear to look at him any longer, and let his gaze drop.]

Or are you just saying sorry because you think it's what I want to hear?

[lockon2urheart]

[He was silent, just for a moment, staring at Tieria and thinking hard. Tieria deserved as good a truthful answer as Lockon could give. He took a deep breath and let it out again, heavily.]

It's not like that. I wouldn't stand here and give you false apologies, especially not for something like this. If there's anything I regret, it's what happened to all of you when I wasn't there to help. I'll always be sorry for that, and I'll mean that with every fibre of me.

[He paused again, and looked away.] ...If he...If he turned up again, I can't give you an honest answer. I don't know myself what I'd do, right now.

[Swallowing, he looked back, expression serious.]

But I don't think - after seeing what it did to my friends, I don't think I'd rush headlong into a fight so recklessly. I... No, I wouldn't let what happened repeat itself. Now I've seen the effects it had on the people I care about, I don't think I could be so selfish as to easily do it again.

[nonesodangerous.livejournal.com]

You don't think you could be so selfish as to easily do it again. Listen to yourself, Lockon.

[The tone of his voice wasn't the one heard so many times before, when he would be reprimanding the others for their stupidity or their disobedience. This was the sound of someone who had been lied to by the only person in the world they truly trusted. In short, the sound of one betrayed.

He was not angry. He was not judgemental. Only... sad.]

[lockon2urheart]

[He shook his head, Tieria's tone making his heart twist.]

I don't want to make promises to you that I can't be sure I'll keep. When I saw that Throne, I... Nothing else seemed to exist to my mind. I wasn't thinking straight. I wasn't thinking at all. That's why I can't give you definate answers. Even if I was sure I could control myself, wait for backup or retreat, if I promised you that and then lost it when I saw him again, it'd be cruel.

I don't think I'd be so stupid if a situation like that came up, not again, not now I've seen the consequences. I just don't want to lie to you and pretend to be certain. You deserve the truth, even if you hate me for it.

[nonesodangerous.livejournal.com]

Is this where I point a gun at you and you tell me it's alright to shoot? And then I shoot to miss, and we have a little argument, and we all end up laughing it off? Because if we're going to do that, I think we need to call up Setsuna and have him come over, so that he can "mediate", while really, he's just standing there contemplating how amusingly mentally defective we all are.

You know. For balance's sake.

[His mouth curled into a bitter smile. If there was one area of humor Tieria had an excellent grasp of, it was irony. It never failed to amuse him, even in the grimmest of times. Of course, that had led to some unpleasant misunderstandings in the past (he'd really thought Lockon was going to take his head off that one time - he's always had a dangerous temper, hasn't he? how could I have missed it? - and in hindsight, he'd been genuinely sorry for what he'd said that day), but really, he needed what little joy he could scrape together at this point.]

[lockon2urheart]

[Lockon blinked, one eyebrow raised ever so slightly - that expression on a tear-stained face and above an outfit so, well, girly was almost ridiculous in its incongruity - and then smiled as well. His was small, even a little sad, but genuine.]

Seemed to work pretty well that time. Would I get to see you both smiling like you did back then? It might make it worth being threatened.

[nonesodangerous.livejournal.com]

[Tieria remembered everything about that day. The way the sunlight had been so bright that even in the shade of the leafy island jungle, the light had pierced its way through. The feeling of freefall as he had hurtled towards Throne Eins. How that event had started with calculated fury, and then forced him to progress through virtually every emotion at his disposal.

He remembered what he'd been thinking: that really, humans were completely bizarre things, and that there was definitely no logic to human behavior, but at the same time, these were both sort of good things, that they were funny and amazing and stupid but somehow brilliant at the same time. His smile had been very real, and for what felt like the first time, completely innocent of ill will or dark humor.

Smiling like that again, so honestly and openly, and not as a facade or as a reaction to some kind of schadenfreude seemed impossibly difficult now.

The sick thing that pretended to be a smile left his face, and the pain returned.]

...I don't smile much these days, Lockon. I don't think Setsuna does either.