[RL with Tieria - Damage Control Part 2 - futuredated to next week]

[lockon2urheart]

[It had been about a month since Lockon had first woken up, and he figured it was finally time to visit the last of his three comrades. It had surely been enough time for Tieria to stabilise - he'd been warned away from shocking him a while ago, after all - and he couldn't in good conscience leave him in the dark any more.

Hence why he was standing in the reception of Mikaela's school, asking if they could send for Ila van der Aart (Who'd come up with that name, anyway?) as soon as possible. He wasn't worried about interrupting her education, as the receptionist had frowned at him, and he gave her a sheepish grin and told her some things were important.

Then she'd asked for his name, so she'd know who was pulling her out, and he'd only hesitated for a moment. As he said "Lockon Stratos", he'd hoped that it wouldn't shock Tieria too badly before he'd even had a chance to see him, but it was all-too clear that 'a friend' wouldn't pass muster with the receptionist. She'd nodded at an office runner to go fetch Ila, while Lockon waited.

Said runner knocked on the classroom door once, then opened it.]

Sorry to interrupt, Mr Pemberly, but I've got a message for Ila. There's a visitor in reception for her, someone called Lockon Stratos, and she's to come see him as soon as possible. It's apparently important.

Comments

[lockon2urheart]

[While the distinct lack of looking at him at all was a little eerie, he recognised a self-control mechanism when he saw it. Of course Tieria wouldn't want to react to his presence while the receptionist was around, and not seeing him probably made that easier. Which also probably didn't bode well for Tieria's eventual reaction, when it came - Lockon still wasn't sure whether to expect to be yelled at, cried on, punched, or some combination of the three. Whatever it was, out of earshot was indeed best.]

Right. [He followed Tieria outside. And now that the initial shock of seeing Tieria's feminine disguise had worn off a little, he was starting to see the funny side despite his best efforts not to. Wasn't fair to laugh at a perfectly good disguise, wasn't fair to laugh at a perfectly good disguise, especially not at such a serious time. Priorities.]

[nonesodangerous.livejournal.com]

[He had to suppress a shudder at hearing that single word, but Tieria maintained his composure until he was safely away from the school building.]

Lockon... Stratos?

[Turning slowly, looking at the ground until the last second, Tieria fought several urges. The urge to run away, to be sick, to collapse, to hide his face in his hands and drop to his knees and rock until the shaking would stop - all of them threatened to overwhelm him.

But he managed. He managed to force himself to do none of these things, and to look Lockon in the eye.]

Lockon?

[lockon2urheart]

[Watching Tieria - in a skirt. Tieria in skirt, the thought just didn't compute - didn't help him not laugh. Part of it might have been slight nervousness heightening the humour, but he still stopped himself from laughing. He couldn't help grinning as they moved, though.

And then they came to a stop, and at the sight of Tieria's face, his expression, the urge to laugh died away. Lockon's grin faded, leaving a small lopsided smile.]

Tieria.

[nonesodangerous.livejournal.com]

[Tieria stumbled forward a couple of steps, reaching out to touch Lockon, to make sure he was real.]

You died. You're dead!

[He clutched at his arm, unable to hold back the tears any longer.]

I saw you! When I was--!

[A choked sob escaped, as Tieria pulled at Lockon's shirt.]

I wanted you to live, so it can't have been me, I wouldn't have wanted you to be...

...to be...

[He buried his face in the cloth.]

...to be waiting for me.

[lockon2urheart]

[Putting his arms around Tieria seemed like the natural thing to do, the best way Lockon had of offering comfort, and so he hugged the younger man, holding him close and letting him cry on Lockon's shirt as he tried to work out what Tieria meant by that.

And then it clicked. And Lockon's stomach felt full of lead. Poor Tieria, it must have been really bad up there, and Lockon's...well, it was his death as far as they knew...must have been preying on his mind, for him to hallucinate like that. He looked down at the crying man in his arms and rubbed his shoulder, comfortingly.]

It's kind of the other way around. You're waiting for me here when I woke up, instead. I don't know what you saw, Tieria, but I'm not dead. I'm right here.

[nonesodangerous.livejournal.com]

[He pulled away from Lockon's embrace, and staggered backwards, staring at him with something bordering on fury.]

I wasn't waiting for you here! I wanted you to live, but I knew you weren't coming back! I KNEW!

[Tieria's voice sounded shriller and shriller, making him look like somebody on the edge of full-blown hysteria.]

I wasn't waiting for you to come back, I was waiting to die! But I don't even get that luxury, because I'm--

[He broke off, suddenly mindful of what he was about to be screaming. Pulling at his long hair, he turned around, voice painfully quiet.]

How long have you been awake?

[lockon2urheart]

[Oh god, wrong thing to say, wrong thing to say. That flippant remark was going to cost him, judging by Tieria's expression. He raised his hands slightly in automatic defense from Tieria's rage, but didn't dare interrupt. He just listened, growing more concerned the shriller and more hysterical Tieria became.

The sentence about waiting for death, of death as a luxury, was the straw that broke the camel's back, and he started to speak - to say what, he wasn't entirely sure, but he had to say something - but Tieria turned before he got the words out and the next question stopped him in his tracks. This could be very, very bad, even if he had a good reason.]

...A month, give or take. [And then he added quickly:] But before you say anything, it's not through trying to avoid you, or not wanting to see you or anything like that - I just had to get enough strength back so I wouldn't fall over or pass out during the meetup, and heard you weren't..really in a fit state for any shocks at the time, so I wanted to let you recover before I just showed up.

[nonesodangerous.livejournal.com]

[A month. That was an awfully long time to be kept in the dark, especially about something like this. Tieria wouldn't have minded if Lockon had only been able to talk to him for a few short minutes. And what did he mean, that Tieria wasn't "really in a fit state for any shocks"?

A whole month of not knowing the truth.]

Oh.

[lockon2urheart]

[That was somehow worse than the anger. The reasoning that had seemed so sound now looked flimsy and unconvincing. Lockon wondered if he was right to wait so long; maybe the Doctor had been wrong and Tieria could have handled it, however delicate his mental state had supposedly been...

...well, he couldn't do anything about it now. He'd have to face the consequences of his decision.]

...I'm sorry. It seemed like the best way, at the time. I just didn't want to hurt you any more than I already had.

[nonesodangerous.livejournal.com]

[Tieria stood with his back to Lockon, hiding everything behind a cold wall of silence. The last few months had been too draining. One blow after another had started to erode something inside of him, leaving him with growing feeling that he was ultimately helpless.

Of course, he still had the strength, the will to plan ahead. To come up with one scheme after another to protect himself, his world, and everyone that was important. To work out what would be the next great steps - peace on another world? Peace between the worlds? Peace throughout all of them?

But every time that something like this happened, the strength ebbed away a little more. And this was possibly the hardest ordeal so far: coming to terms with the fact that if he had died, if he had gone to that other place like he had wished with all his heart, then he would have been further away from Lockon than ever.]

[lockon2urheart]

[The answering silence that stretched out as Lockon as he watched Tieria's back made him feel all the more guilty. He'd fucked up again while trying to do the right thing, and he'd just made it worse for Tieria. His intention hadn't been to leave him out of the loop, just to protect him, but it clearly had just had the opposite effect.

And he'd far rather let Tieria bitch him out, or hit him, or whatever he needed to do - rather that than this empty quiet.]

Come on, Tieria, say something.

[nonesodangerous.livejournal.com]

[Something? Anything? He let the first thing that came to mind spill from his mouth.]

We needed you.

[And barely audibly:]

I needed you.

[lockon2urheart]

[He closed his eyes for a moment. When he opened them, he looked away.]

I...heard about what happened. I'm sorry. I shouldve been there, believe me I wish I had. I just.... [He trailed off. He wasn't stupid enough to try and defend his actions to Tieria, of all people. He knew who'd been behind the locking of his door. There was no point, and he didn't really want to try. He knew that he'd been reckless and stupid and that he shouldn't have gone. It hadn't stopped him then, and part of him still believed that right or wrong it had been the only choice, but he couldn't logically defend it even to himself.]

...just. I'm sorry.

[nonesodangerous.livejournal.com]

[Tieria turned, the look of broken disappointment plain on his face.]

Are you honestly saying that in the same situation, Lockon Stratos, you would not repeat your actions? Are you telling me that if Ali Al-Saachez called you out to fight once more, you'd ignore him?

[He couldn't bear to look at him any longer, and let his gaze drop.]

Or are you just saying sorry because you think it's what I want to hear?

[lockon2urheart]

[He was silent, just for a moment, staring at Tieria and thinking hard. Tieria deserved as good a truthful answer as Lockon could give. He took a deep breath and let it out again, heavily.]

It's not like that. I wouldn't stand here and give you false apologies, especially not for something like this. If there's anything I regret, it's what happened to all of you when I wasn't there to help. I'll always be sorry for that, and I'll mean that with every fibre of me.

[He paused again, and looked away.] ...If he...If he turned up again, I can't give you an honest answer. I don't know myself what I'd do, right now.

[Swallowing, he looked back, expression serious.]

But I don't think - after seeing what it did to my friends, I don't think I'd rush headlong into a fight so recklessly. I... No, I wouldn't let what happened repeat itself. Now I've seen the effects it had on the people I care about, I don't think I could be so selfish as to easily do it again.

[nonesodangerous.livejournal.com]

You don't think you could be so selfish as to easily do it again. Listen to yourself, Lockon.

[The tone of his voice wasn't the one heard so many times before, when he would be reprimanding the others for their stupidity or their disobedience. This was the sound of someone who had been lied to by the only person in the world they truly trusted. In short, the sound of one betrayed.

He was not angry. He was not judgemental. Only... sad.]

[lockon2urheart]

[He shook his head, Tieria's tone making his heart twist.]

I don't want to make promises to you that I can't be sure I'll keep. When I saw that Throne, I... Nothing else seemed to exist to my mind. I wasn't thinking straight. I wasn't thinking at all. That's why I can't give you definate answers. Even if I was sure I could control myself, wait for backup or retreat, if I promised you that and then lost it when I saw him again, it'd be cruel.

I don't think I'd be so stupid if a situation like that came up, not again, not now I've seen the consequences. I just don't want to lie to you and pretend to be certain. You deserve the truth, even if you hate me for it.

[nonesodangerous.livejournal.com]

Is this where I point a gun at you and you tell me it's alright to shoot? And then I shoot to miss, and we have a little argument, and we all end up laughing it off? Because if we're going to do that, I think we need to call up Setsuna and have him come over, so that he can "mediate", while really, he's just standing there contemplating how amusingly mentally defective we all are.

You know. For balance's sake.

[His mouth curled into a bitter smile. If there was one area of humor Tieria had an excellent grasp of, it was irony. It never failed to amuse him, even in the grimmest of times. Of course, that had led to some unpleasant misunderstandings in the past (he'd really thought Lockon was going to take his head off that one time - he's always had a dangerous temper, hasn't he? how could I have missed it? - and in hindsight, he'd been genuinely sorry for what he'd said that day), but really, he needed what little joy he could scrape together at this point.]

[lockon2urheart]

[Lockon blinked, one eyebrow raised ever so slightly - that expression on a tear-stained face and above an outfit so, well, girly was almost ridiculous in its incongruity - and then smiled as well. His was small, even a little sad, but genuine.]

Seemed to work pretty well that time. Would I get to see you both smiling like you did back then? It might make it worth being threatened.

[nonesodangerous.livejournal.com]

[Tieria remembered everything about that day. The way the sunlight had been so bright that even in the shade of the leafy island jungle, the light had pierced its way through. The feeling of freefall as he had hurtled towards Throne Eins. How that event had started with calculated fury, and then forced him to progress through virtually every emotion at his disposal.

He remembered what he'd been thinking: that really, humans were completely bizarre things, and that there was definitely no logic to human behavior, but at the same time, these were both sort of good things, that they were funny and amazing and stupid but somehow brilliant at the same time. His smile had been very real, and for what felt like the first time, completely innocent of ill will or dark humor.

Smiling like that again, so honestly and openly, and not as a facade or as a reaction to some kind of schadenfreude seemed impossibly difficult now.

The sick thing that pretended to be a smile left his face, and the pain returned.]

...I don't smile much these days, Lockon. I don't think Setsuna does either.

[lockon2urheart]

[Lockon's own smile, small as it was, dimmed again at that. He couldn't imagine what that last battle had been like for them, down one Gundam and facing what was likely to have been all of the remaining suits - the most powerful enemy suit they'd faced. After all, they'd been retreating when he'd followed them, and they wouldn't be stupid enough to try again without a full force. However many that would have been, it would certainly have outnumbered Celestial Being. The last time they'd faced odds so stacked against them, they'd needed the Thrones to rescue them.

He'd seen first-hand the damage to Exia's cockpit. It really was no wonder they weren't smiling.]

I guess not.

[He paused, just for a moment. We needed you, Tieria'd said. At the edge of hearing, I needed you. Setsuna's blaming of himself - morale must have been at an all-time low.]

And...at least part of that is my fault, huh.

[nonesodangerous.livejournal.com]

[Tieria didn't want to say anything, but Lockon was right. It was partly his fault. Tieria actually felt that it was largely Lockon's fault that nobody felt like smiling much anymore, but he would never let him know that. And it was hugely Lockon's fault that Tieria didn't want to smile anymore.

That was unfair, actually. It was hardly Lockon's fault that Tieria had ended up with some stupid kind of feelings for him, had ended up pinning most of his hopes on him.

...was it?]

What do you think?

[He hadn't said it sarcastically. He honestly wanted to know what Lockon thought about the entire situation. He wanted to see just how guilty Lockon felt.]

[lockon2urheart]

[Lockon sighed. This last month had been tiring, both physically (if he ever saw another physiotherapist, it would be too soon) and emotionally. Every person he'd seen had been affected by ...everything that had happened, by his near-death, by that last battle that he'd missed. He'd been cried on, fainted on, hugged, shouted at, had his own existence disbelieved...

And he did blame himself for their emotionally fraught states. For the physical damage. And for the deaths of two of their friends. Intellectually he knew that he alone couldn't have turned the tide of battle and saved them all, he wasn't that egocentric, but it was the eternal what if. What if he'd been there? Would they have been able to put up a greater fight, and kept themselves safe? Would Chris and Lichty be alive?

And yet there was still the part of him that loudly stated he'd done the only possible thing, and that he couldn't have stayed behind and still lived with himself, still been himself. Treacherous little voice, burrowing into his guilt with self assurance at odds with all of his empathy with his friends. However there was a lot of blame and guilt there, more than one small worm of self-certainty could burrow through.

What did he think? Talk about a complex question.]

Me, I think... I think I've got more part in it than I wish I had to admit. I don't know exactly what went down that day, and I don't know how much help I could have been. But I should have been there - I wish I'd been there - to help. The fact that I wasn't, and hearing about and seeing what the effects and outcome of that fight had on you guys, it...

[He sighed roughly and pushed a hand through his hair.]

I don't expect you - anyone - to understand why I went off after Saachez. I just wish it had gone differently - and not for my sake, either. I just wish I'd been around for you guys like I'm supposed to be. I know I shouldn't have gone at all, and not thinkng of you guys - of anyone - was selfish and idiotic as hell. That's why I said - I wouldn't blame you for hating me.

[He smiled, weakly. It wasn't the cheerful smiles that usually lit his face. This one was sad and wan.] Hell, I'd probably hate me too.

[nonesodangerous.livejournal.com]

[Tieria felt like he'd been punched in the gut, and it showed on his face.]

I don't hate you, Lockon! Don't you understand?!

[He spun away, hands clamped over his mouth, sick of almost saying things he would regret immediately. He really needed to get a grip, and fast.]

[lockon2urheart]

[Tieria's reaction was surprisingly vehement, and a little confusing - was the idea so distasteful? Still, it was a small comfort that there was at least a possibility of forgiveness - one that Lockon wasn't sure, at this point, that he deserved, but was grateful for. Still, the reaction was unexpected. Obviously he hadn't wanted Tieria's hate, but...

He'd stepped forward almost on instinct when Tieria span away, but had reigned himself in. He looked at Tieria's back and smiled again, a little hopeless smile.]

Unless you're about to go all parental and say you're not angry, just disappointed, I guess I don't.

[Not that he really thought that was it, he would be really surprised if Tieria wasn't even a little angry.]