[Lockon sighed. This last month had been tiring, both physically (if he ever saw another physiotherapist, it would be too soon) and emotionally. Every person he'd seen had been affected by ...everything that had happened, by his near-death, by that last battle that he'd missed. He'd been cried on, fainted on, hugged, shouted at, had his own existence disbelieved...
And he did blame himself for their emotionally fraught states. For the physical damage. And for the deaths of two of their friends. Intellectually he knew that he alone couldn't have turned the tide of battle and saved them all, he wasn't that egocentric, but it was the eternal what if. What if he'd been there? Would they have been able to put up a greater fight, and kept themselves safe? Would Chris and Lichty be alive?
And yet there was still the part of him that loudly stated he'd done the only possible thing, and that he couldn't have stayed behind and still lived with himself, still been himself. Treacherous little voice, burrowing into his guilt with self assurance at odds with all of his empathy with his friends. However there was a lot of blame and guilt there, more than one small worm of self-certainty could burrow through.
What did he think? Talk about a complex question.]
Me, I think... I think I've got more part in it than I wish I had to admit. I don't know exactly what went down that day, and I don't know how much help I could have been. But I should have been there - I wish I'd been there - to help. The fact that I wasn't, and hearing about and seeing what the effects and outcome of that fight had on you guys, it...
[He sighed roughly and pushed a hand through his hair.]
I don't expect you - anyone - to understand why I went off after Saachez. I just wish it had gone differently - and not for my sake, either. I just wish I'd been around for you guys like I'm supposed to be. I know I shouldn't have gone at all, and not thinkng of you guys - of anyone - was selfish and idiotic as hell. That's why I said - I wouldn't blame you for hating me.
[He smiled, weakly. It wasn't the cheerful smiles that usually lit his face. This one was sad and wan.] Hell, I'd probably hate me too.
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Date: 2009-03-06 12:43 am (UTC)And he did blame himself for their emotionally fraught states. For the physical damage. And for the deaths of two of their friends. Intellectually he knew that he alone couldn't have turned the tide of battle and saved them all, he wasn't that egocentric, but it was the eternal what if. What if he'd been there? Would they have been able to put up a greater fight, and kept themselves safe? Would Chris and Lichty be alive?
And yet there was still the part of him that loudly stated he'd done the only possible thing, and that he couldn't have stayed behind and still lived with himself, still been himself. Treacherous little voice, burrowing into his guilt with self assurance at odds with all of his empathy with his friends. However there was a lot of blame and guilt there, more than one small worm of self-certainty could burrow through.
What did he think? Talk about a complex question.]
Me, I think... I think I've got more part in it than I wish I had to admit. I don't know exactly what went down that day, and I don't know how much help I could have been. But I should have been there - I wish I'd been there - to help. The fact that I wasn't, and hearing about and seeing what the effects and outcome of that fight had on you guys, it...
[He sighed roughly and pushed a hand through his hair.]
I don't expect you - anyone - to understand why I went off after Saachez. I just wish it had gone differently - and not for my sake, either. I just wish I'd been around for you guys like I'm supposed to be. I know I shouldn't have gone at all, and not thinkng of you guys - of anyone - was selfish and idiotic as hell. That's why I said - I wouldn't blame you for hating me.
[He smiled, weakly. It wasn't the cheerful smiles that usually lit his face. This one was sad and wan.] Hell, I'd probably hate me too.